Helloooo and happy Thursday!
On this blog I talk about things that may not always apply to everyone. Everyone's experiences are different, births are different, parenting styles are different and children are different, so sometimes things may not be relevant to 100% of people 100% of the time. But, and brace yourself for this bold statement, no matter who you are, where you've come from and what you've gone through, I can GUARANTEE that this topic will or has applied to you. I will discuss something that everybody has dealt with or will deal with in pregnancy and parenting and that is… unsolicited advice and unwanted opinions. Yep, queue eyeroll as you reflect on a time you've been told how to parent your own child, or how to go through your own pregnancy. Not much else grinds my gears quite like this but I'm not just here to rant and rave, I do actually have some tips and tricks on how to deal with this all too common issue.
The thing with unwanted opinions and unsolicited advice when it comes to pregnancy and parenthood is that it is hard to track when it starts and when it ends. It just kind of... never ends? I suppose it starts with the pressure to get pregnant. When my now husband Luis and I were dating, people pressured us to get engaged. When we got engaged, people pressured us to get married. When we got married people were demanding to know when we were going to have our first baby. And when we had our first baby, people demanded to know when the second one was going to come! My cousin had a really difficult, long, traumatic birth and people had the audacity to visit her in hospital a few days post-birth and tell her it was time to think about having a second one. Luckily the pressure for my husband and I never came from our parents. Actually now that I think about it it, it never really came from people super close to us. It came from people who were in part trying to encourage us out of love but also out of pure nosiness and trying to get into other people's business. Our parents and people super close to us were just happy to celebrate whatever life stage we got to at whatever time and speed we felt was comfortable for us, and thats how it should be. You’d think that for people who pressure you into hitting these different milestones, the fact that they're happening is good enough for them but no, often people feel the need to not only tell you what to do but also how to do them. "Don't eat these sorts of foods because they mess with your fertility." "You absolutely must breastfeed or your baby will be really unhealthy." "You absolutely have to parent your child like this because that's what I learned 100 years ago." Seriously? I'm not saying anything new and I know all parents can relate. Again, I feel super lucky that my parents and in laws were really good with not shoving their opinions and beliefs about pregnancy and parenting on us … but I'd almost rather that because I'm more inclined to listen to the opinions of those I trust and respect rather than listen to people who I believe don't really have our best interests at heart. Ok, rant over. This brings me to sharing tips with you guys on how to deal with this. I've essentially told you it's inevitable that people will share their unwanted opinions and advice, so let me share some good news and tell you that there's many ways to cope with it. All hope is not lost.
My first tip is acceptance. Now I want to be really clear about this: By acceptance I mean that I encourage you to understand and accept that it is almost absolutely certain that at some point during your pregnancy or parenting or even your fertility journey, people will have opinions and feel inclined to share them with you. I do not mean you have to take their advice or you have to accept their opinions as fact. You are absolutely completely entitled to reject any piece of advice or opinion that does not help you or resonate with you, but just accept that you will come across them no matter how much you want to hear them or not. An example of the acceptance stage could be something like bracing yourself for criticism and comments and coming up with a plan with your partner or the baby's other parent on how to deal with it, which you'd base around the following tips.
My next tip is understanding. Some people who will share their unsolicited opinions or advice will not be coming from a good place and do not have your best interests at heart. However, I found that at least for me, most of them do. Did I appreciate the pressure to fall pregnant from people that had no business being in my business? No, of course not! But I knew that it was because people were just excited for me and eager for me to experience motherhood. Does that mean that it's suddenly OK? No. But did that stop me from biting their heads off and becoming angry towards them because I understood that their intentions were good? Yes. For my own wellbeing and sanity it was important that I try to understand where people were coming from so that I wasn't resentful of them. Again, this does not mean that because I understand it that it's totally OK and I don't have the right to put down boundaries. It just means that I know that even though it's really annoying and often offensive, it's coming from people who have the right intentions but the wrong message. An example of understanding in this context is telling yourself something like "Wow, if Granny Gertrude mentions why I didn't get her a great grandchild for Christmas one more time, I may need to consider that retirement home... BUT I won't because I know she is just so excited to see me become a parent and wants a grandchild to spoil." or "Wow these people won't stop telling me how to parent. Even though they make me feel like a failure, I understand that that is not there intention so instead of arguing with them I will make a conscious effort to stop hanging out with them." So we are understanding but we are not becoming doormats. The reason that I'm even mentioning the understanding tip at all is because if I had refused to listen to any unsolicited advice or opinions that I had been met with, I feel like I would have missed out on a lot of helpful tricks and tips and I feel like I would've unconsciously been defensive and shut out people who truly did just think they were helping. There's a thing that helps you not shut people out and also not let them stick there noses too far into your business. That thing is called 'boundaries'.
And. boundaries, mamas, is my third tip. I harp on about boundaries and its such a buzzword these days but what exactly are they and how do you define them? It's simple really, decide what you're willing to put up with and not put up with and those are your boundaries. They are absolutely defined by you and if you are parenting with someone else, either your spouse, partner, ex or otherwise, I urge you to come up with what your boundaries are together so you can be a unit, a team. If you have two separate boundaries, that can get really messy and will only disadvantage your own child in the long run, but maybe I can make a separate post on that if anyone is interested. For Luis and I in the beginning, our boundaries were quite loose in the sense that we just wanted to be sponges and soak up any information, opinions, and advice given to us by whoever because we were first time parents and were just eager to hear it all. As I started to be connected with more professionals (midwives, obstetricians, and so on), I tightened up my boundaries and decided to reject lots of opinions and advice from other people if they conflicted with that of my health providers. After I gave birth, I was super eager to learn everything about parenting from my mum, and after trial and error and figuring out what works best for us, naturally I started tightening the boundaries again and telling her that there were some things that I would do her way and other things that are non-negotiable that has to be done the way that Luis and I prefer. My boundaries were quite fluid but, that said, I had non-negotiables. So, for example, with my health complications and high blood pressure and all that jazz, I made a conscious effort to block out anybody's opinions and advice that came from those who were not medically qualified. I just thought "you know what, I don't really care what your Google search has to say" and at the time I was being seen almost weekly by midwives, nurses, obstetricians, renal doctors, endocrinologists and general practitioners so I really don't need anymore opinions, thank you. I don't even want to list examples of boundaries because they are truly whatever you want them to be, but common ones can be as easy as asking extended family and friends not to kiss your baby, or as difficult as cutting off people who constantly bring negative energy around your child.
My last tip is protection. Now you've accepted that you're going to hear advice and opinions that you didn't ask for, you have understood that some of it (hopefully most of it) will be coming from people who have the best intentions for you and for your family, you have defined your boundaries and are ready to put them in place whenever you deem necessary... the only thing that's left is to guard those boundaries with your life. For me, guarding my boundaries with my life is like guarding my well being with my life. Guarding your boundaries can sometimes be as simple as nodding your head politely and then letting things go in one ear and out the other. However, sometimes guarding a boundaries could be as intense as having to cut people out of your life. How fiercely you feel the need to guard your boundaries solely depends on how much you are triggered and affected and what is triggering and affecting you is and should be only defined by you. There is no right or wrong here. What offends me is going to be different to what offends you and vice versa. For example, someone telling me that I'm raising my kid completely wrong and constantly criticising me is perhaps something that I can roll off my back, but to someone else it could be affecting them to the point that they are constantly anxious and depressed. Those people may feel no other choice than to not associate with constant critics anymore and if that's what they need to do to protect themselves and their family, thats what they are entitled to do. If there's one thing I ask of you it is to never ever ever ever feel bad for setting tough boundaries to distance yourseld from people who make you feel bad. I mean it's really that simple. You need to protect yourself but you also need to protect your baby and family, and do that at whatever cost you feel is necessary.
And that is you're Dealing With Annoying People Masterclass! In all seriousness, I hope that I've helped you feel a little bit less daunted by the prospect of unwanted advice and opinions and I hope that you will put into practice accepting and trying to understand where these people are coming from without compromising your own wellbeing and the way you choose to live your life and raise your child. Feel free to comment or email me if you have any further questions or want me to delve into any of the steps any deeper, otherwise… go forth Mamas and navigate your motherhood journey with the confidence of knowing that other people's opinions will not phase you. Define your boundaries, practice protecting them and just know that at the end of the day... Mama, we’ll be alright!
Lots of Love,
Elissa 🌸